Friday, February 28, 2014

TGIF!

Whew.. What a week it has been for me.  Crazy how time has flown and and as of today it has been 23 days since my surgery.  I remember that day and the days that followed and its crazy how I have gotten from there to here.. I am still healing and sore, and my emotions are still out of whack but I've come a long way. 

I have been out of the house more this week than I have been since I had surgery. To breathe fresh outdoor air.. You never know how much you miss it lol.  I know its good for me and it's helping me get ready to go back to work, but I am also so tired and sore after every time I have gone out.  I have tried to drive as well, but sitting up in the position and having the steering wheel rubbing up on my belly in the area where my scars that are healing are.. well it doesn't help the healing and the pain at all.  

On Tuesday I went to see my Doctor/Surgeon for my 2nd follow up appointment.  He checked on my infection in my incision and asked how my pain was.  The antibiotic made me nauseous so he let me go off of it because the infection looked better.  It seriously was making me so sick. ick.  He said it was common though.  My mom and I also asked him about my emotional and mental state.. About how I was crying about everything, just very emotional and feeling so helpless.  I spoke about it in my previous post.. take a look if you have not already.Post Surgery Emotions  Luckily he said that it was completely normal. Between having the surgery itself and the anesthetic, and what not, what I was feeling was okay and it was get better and pass in time.  

Throughout this whole healing process I have constantly been told that I need to be patient with the process and I will heal, that it just takes time.  Like I've said I hate feeling helpless, so it has obviously been super tough!

My other BIG outing (lol) this week was going out with my Sister, Nicole, to get my Mom her Birthday Present.  Her Birthday is March 1st.. tomorrow!!! Like I said in the beginning driving was super tough and I did a lot more walking around than I had done since my surgery.  By the time I got home I was super sore and exhausted from the outing.  At least it was worth because my Sister and I got my Mom a lot of nice stuff that we know she is going to love!! I am so excited to give her, her presents.  Obviously I cant say where I went and what I got her just yet, because she reads my blog, but just take my word that most of you out there would probably love would we got her as well!

We are suppose to go out tomorrow to celebrate my Moms Birthday.  Hoping that the weather doesn't rain (pun intended) on our parade.. Not actually a parade though, but that would be cool though huh? haha! I have been so sick today though for some reason too. I am hoping it is just a 24 hour stomach bug so I can have fun with my Mom tomorrow! My diet today has been water or 7up and sleeping/relaxing as much as possible.  

On a side note, I finally watched Fast & the Furious 6 last night.... and today.  It was amazing!  Probably the best one yet!  Would any of you guys agree? And if not, what is your favorite Fast & Furious movie? It was just really sad watched Paul Walker and all the chemistry they all had together knowing that it is destroyed because he was killed in that car accident a few months ago.  

I finally go back to work Sunday... Wish me Luck.. I don't know if I mentioned, but my Doctor did clear me to go back to work.  It is gonna be weird to go back after practically a month off.  I don't know if I am 100% ready to go back emotionally or physically, but it is what is best.  It takes time.  Wish me luck getting back to work!  

I am going back to lay down.. Feeling icky and like I said I need to get better!!


Peace & Love
Molly

Friday, February 21, 2014

Post Surgery Emotions

So obviously you guys have not seen me post a full blog update about my surgery from surgery day through recovery and back to work. And that is because it has taken me longer to recover. And it definitely has been a harder process than I had initially anticipated.  Like I dont know why I thought it wouldnt be but it has been very taxing on me in every way possible...

Although I have had sooo much support from well, practically everyone and I am soo thankful and grateful for all of it.. it has been tough anyways..

I have been not only been in the obvious physical pain since my surgery, but my emotions have just been ridiculous and out of whack!  Like this whole thing has been equal parts tough mentally.  =( This entire time I have been struggling to just relax and take it easy and focus on recovering.. where my mind should be.  Instead I feel guilt. I feel like I am putting everyone else out.. its so wrong though.  I am the one who had surgery. I shouldn't be stressing myself out..  I know it doesnt help.  I feel guilty because no matter what I am always thinking about how this is effecting my work and my family. But I needed this for myself, and somehow I am sorry for that. Im feeling pressure and emotional and guilty and I cannot for the life of me get out of my own head.

For any and all reasons I am just crying and cant stop. I am an emotional wreck.. and I cant help but feel that I am sooo emotional because of the surgery. That it messed with my hormones. Something I am definitely going to ask my Dr on Tuesday about at my 2nd follow up.. yes 2nd follow up because I have another infection.. ick good times.. not

I guess I really didnt realize how hard this was going to be from surgery and recovery. I am just a mess.  I feel like I just need to put that out there because I know people know that I had surgery and are understanding, but the guilt and the pressure makes it even more hard for me. Even knowing its not on purpose.  I know I am needed in all aspects of my life. Being kinda helpless makes the guilt I feel even worse.. It is a vicious cycle, I swear. Its awful!!!

And Im stuggling with having these feelings because I feel so unsure if they are justified or normal. Im kinda a mess I guess right now.. I mean is it normal? Am am overreacting? I just dont know. =(

On top of everything surgery related. My estranged husband has finally pulled the trigger and started the process for us to get divorced. He actually contacted my parents the day I had surgery about it & then and I found out a week later.. thankful my parents hid that from me because since I found out and even spoke to him on the phone (for the first time in like 8 months) I have had very bittersweet thoughts and emotions about it as well.  I mean it is over and done with relationship wise but my heart had not healed and it kind of reopened the wound. I didnt realize how hard even talking to him and hearing his voice would be and how much it would still effect me.  So with everything in mind these last few weeks have been so tough. 

Im just emotionally exhausted, wondering when I can actually catch a break because if it cant happen when I am suppose to be relaxing and recovering then I dont feel like it will ever happen. But thats a whole nother issue.. for another day.

Despite my mindset.. I am still sooo incredibly grateful for all the support. It really has meant alot to me!!

And for those wondering.. there is actually good news in all of this.. I got my pathology report back when I was at the doctor and the tumor was mature.. which means ITS NOT CANCER!!! Biggest sigh of relief.. I am at least glad for that..  the report also described the dermoid but its pretty gross, like I have talked about in a previous blog post. Refer to it if you need a refresher lol.. or just take my word on it.. pretty gross.

I dont know if this was really a blog post that needed to really be posted or not but I needed to just put these feelings out there because I felt like I was gonna kind of explode.

Peace & Love
Molly

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Valentines Day Wrap Up!!

Welp a few things got in the way while writing this.. so it is not really Valentines Day anymore... 

That aside... Happy Valentines Day everyone!  I hope everyone had a great day! For me this day could have been a terrible and sad day spent crying and wallowing in self pity.. You see this is the first Valentines Day in 5 years that I do not have a guy, since me and my husband split.  I totally could have looked at this day as S.A.D. or Single Awareness Day, but it was a totally normal day.  Thankfully.  The only tears I shed were happy tears, but that's for later in this post.  I mean who really cares if you are single or not.  You make the day, the day doesn't make you. You can either choose to be sad about it or go make plans with other people who do not have somebody to go out with and have a good time.  

Today started like a normal day.. I slept on my tummy though, so I was in a lot of pain because I had been sleeping on my sides since surgery. So I was super sore and did not want to get out of bed for anything.  I woke up to an empty house because the rest of the fam bam went out to lunch at Town Square.. Kind of jealous I missed out on that.  Anywho.. my awesome Mom had stuck a heart shaped box of chocolates into my purse.  Thank you Mom. That was very thoughtful of you.

Once I got up for the day I preceded to get ready for my long since planned "Sister Date".  
If you dont know what I am talking about when I say sister date, please see a previous post.. 
Sister Dates Blog Post!

So my Sister and I got ready for our Sister Date.  We went and saw the movie "That Awkard Moment"  at the Red Rock Regal Theaters, which starred Zac Efron, Miles Teller, Michael B. Jordan, & Imogen Poots.  It was a very cute movie.  Perfect blend of comedy and drama.. and by drama it was just your typical relationship drama.  My sister and I have so many new inside jokes because of the movie.  I recommend that if you have not already seen it you should.. This is the point where I tell you that there was a few parts that were so hilarious that I shed funny tears, as I previously mentioned. Like stop breathing super funny tears.. haha. My sister almost spit out her drink too.  Like dying of laughter funny. Glad we chose not to see Endless Love, because I have this feeling that instead of happy tears there would have been a lot of sad tears. 
Here is a youtube link to the trailer: That Awkward Moment in case you are interested... 

So after the movie I gave my sister the choice of where she wanted to go to dinner. and Of course she chose the Feast Buffet.  Lemme just say we left super stuffed.  We just sat there cracking jokes from the movie and just talking about whatever.  I love how close we are getting again.  We just had so much fun. 
And totally forgetting for five minutes that it was Valentines Day and Friday I realized that there would be a special menu for tonight so I thought we might be screwed, because it usually entails alot of fish, which I do not eat.  But lemme tell you the food was amazing! One of the non-highlights though was when my sister was like lets try clams and then I ate mine and she wussed out lol.. BRAT! Im gonna get you back one day lol.. 

After dinner we came home and had a mini photo-shoot, because we looked super cute.  My sister had bought a specific dress for today so of course she wanted to show it off. I am not gonna lie, it was a really cute dress!!! I had a lot of fun today with her.  It took my mind off of feeling crappy emotionally and physically for a couple hours.  I am still in pain from surgery and what not. so it was nice to get away from that and just relax and have a good time! 

I can say that Valentines Day 2014 did not suck.. and given all my circumstances that is really amazing!

Here are pictures from today!!!

The first few pictures are photo-shoot fun with my sister!






How gorgeous is my sister! I love her and her super cute dress!


Dessert.. chocolate covered strawberries, gelato, and more!

Buffet Dinner!! 

Sisters 4 Life!!!!

Life is like a box of Valentines Chocolates... haha!

#selfie

Peace & Love
Molly

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Surgery Day Has Come & Went

I had my surgery last Wednesday on February 5th and I have basically been out of comission since then.  If you know me personally and have followed my updates on facebook and instagram then you know how rough this has been on me. I thought I owed it to my blog readers to at least give you guys a mini update, but when I feel better be ready for a full on blog post from the day of surgery to 100% recovery. 
Valentines Day is also in a couple of days so maybe if you're lucky you will get a romantical blog post..
It all hinges on how I am feeling because I have been in a lot of pain and have had a couple complications. 
Here are a couple snippets of whats beens going on with me since surgery..

Peace & Love
Molly

Monday, February 3, 2014

Surgery Day Is Almost Here...

So I have been keeping it under wraps until now because I didn't wanna jinx it and I still am nervous it happening, but I am having Surgery on Wednesday at Noon.  As I have previously posted about I have a huge tumor on my ovary and I was finally scheduled for surgery.  I am very anxious, but I am trying to not freak out or think about it too much.  It is outpatient surgery so hopefully I get to go home same day.  

I worked today and am working tomorrow so its a good distraction.  I just want to get this over with though.  To be on the mend and move on with my life. I just want to be healthy finally! And I am hopeful that maybe this might make the other ailments that I have had the displeasure of having go away or at least minimize themselves. 

I can use all the positive thoughts, vibes, prayers, anything at all on Wednesday.  I just need an easy surgery followed by a smooth recovery.  

I am gonna be laid up for at least two weeks so maybe many blog posts about the things I'm missing.. like the outside, lol... just kidding.. But I will be blogging about my entire journey from Surgery Day and all through recovery. Apparently this is is a semi-common thing, so I hope I recover quicker than what the doctor things I am. they say 4 weeks. Im shooting for 2. I will go stir crazy not working for that long.

But on a sucky note, I am going to miss work, which upsets me because I like to be at work most of the time and I hate leaving my co-workers like this, especially for such an extended period of time.  This alone makes me feel like crap about this whole surgery thing.  It stresses me out! 

Sidebar: On Feb 2nd, 2010 is when I had my Thyroid taken out for my Papillary Thyroid Cancer.  Its crazy that almost 4 years to the day I am having to have surgery. Story of my life!

Ugh Im so anxious! I don't know how I am gonna sleep tonight and tomorrow night.. Deep breaths.... 

On a funny note tho, the Super Bowl was yesterday. and we all know how lame the game was!! the half time show with Bruno Mars and Red Hot Chili Peppers was amazing and some of the commercials almost made me pee my pants from laughing so hard.  Must watch: the Audi Commerical (DobbyWawa) (sp?) 

here are some funny Super Bowl Memes... They cracked me up!!! #truestory




Wish me luck on my surgery! 

Peace & Love
Molly