365 Days Later... My Story

I do not even know where to begin with this post.  It is so completely personal and deeply emotional for me. I do not want to over-share, but at the same time I want to make sense, and I feel like for that to happen I need to start from the beginning, and just give a quick run down about what I am talking about here, and what this post is about, and what all of this really means to me, especially emotionally.   So please bear with me while I bare my soul to the world, in what is probably going to be the most emotional blog post I have ever written.  Also if you have nothing nice or supportive to say, then do not say it at all.  Rude comments will not be tolerated!  This post is taking a lot out of me, but I really felt like I needed to write it.  I feel like my story is very relate able (unfortunately) & I hope my story can help someone maybe in a similar situation feel at least a little bit better.  

So here we go...

For those of you that do not know I was married on June 12th, 2010.   (We had been together since about October of 2008, and it was kind of a whirlwind, not your typical dating relationship.  We didn't really "date".  We were just together, and then we lived together with my family and got engaged really quickly..  But it just felt right.)   At the time my wedding day was the happiest day of my life, and what I thought was the start of the rest of my life with what I thought was an amazing man.  You see the previous year, in October to be exact, about a month after I had turned 21 I was been diagnosed with cancer.. Now we were already engaged, but when you get a diagnosis so scary it changes your priorities and we moved the wedding up..  So after I had surgery to remove the cancer I got started on planning the wedding.  Even my reading material in the hospital was Bride mags! 

When I got married, I obviously intended for it to be my one and only marriage.  We were suppose to get a house together, have babies together, celebrate anniversaries & birthdays together, grow old together, and watch our kids have kids.  We had always said "Forever  & Always" It was our motto as a couple.  But that was just not in the cards.

Our marriage was never a walk in the park.  At times we were happy, but we also had struggles like any normal husband and wife. But I do not give up, and after all I loved this man.  No matter what I wanted it to work.  I would have never married him in the first place had I felt it was just temporary, and that this person was not my one true love and soul mate.  Especially since our problems were honestly nothing that could have not been solved with better communication, compromise, and maybe even couples counseling, had there been a chance given to do any of those things.  

Then the unthinkable happened.   Things came to an abrupt end on May 25th, 2013, two days after my now ex-husband and I had celebrated his 26th birthday with friends and family.  I found out that my husband of almost three years had started a romance with some other girl.  Instead of talking to me about our problems, he turned to her.  Nothing can be said or expressed that can even fully describe how I felt that night.  All I know/can remember is that I could not even scream at him.  All I could do was cry.  I was just so shocked and stunned by the situation I was in, that I did not know what else to do.  I never have regretted that I did not yell at him that night.  Mostly because he obviously was not worth giving all of that power to, and yelling would have changed absolutely nothing in regards to the situation we were in.  The worst had already happened so nothing could have been said that would have changed it, and working myself up would have been futile.  I truly don't believe I would have felt better either if I yelled at him.  

In between the bouts of crying in my room, and the few words that were spoken to me, by him, I basically just roamed around my apartment complex with my dog, because I was just lost and I just kept calling my Mom crying, not understanding why this was happening to me.  I obviously did not want to know details of what had transpired between my now ex-husband and the home-wrecker, but the little I found out was enough, and the worst was that he wanted to be with her.  That he had fallen out of love with me.  That was all I needed to hear.  That was all that mattered.  Just like that, we were done.  Two weeks shy of our three year wedding anniversary (a date I thought we were planning a special evening for- by going to a hotel for a night and having a Stay-cation) I had no idea what was happening behind my back while I was planning.  Like I said, to say I was shocked and stunned was an understatement! 

I obviously kicked him out that night and over the next few days he came back with his parents and got his things and left.  A lot of drama happened at first, which was not necessary, and I ended up having to change my phone number because of it.  He said some things and then went back on them.  Which I am sure was that the influence of the home-wrecker.. But that is not important, nor does it matter now, but it was very frustrating at the time.  It just added to the already emotional and stressful situation.  Not cool.  

At first I spent a lot of nights sleeping at my parents house, and really leaned (still do) on my Mom for support and strength.  Luckily my Brother and one of our friends was already living at our apartment when everything happened as well, so for a few months we all continued to live together and make the best of the situation we were in.  I was not the only one that faced the consequences of my ex-husbands actions.  It effected a lot of people who were in our lives.  None of them, nor I deserved the situation we were put into.  We tried to make it work, but bills were getting to be too much and emotionally I was just too unhappy living away from my parents and I needed to go home.  It was time, and it was what was right.  So the weekend of Thanksgiving 2013 I moved home.  Best decision I ever made.  

I am not ashamed to be living back home with my parents.  My support system has been the number one thing that has gotten me through the past year.  That, partnered with going on Xanax, and going to therapy on and off.. Which I really need to go back to, because it was very helpful, I just had to stop because of my health and my other doctors appointments took priority.  

Around the same time as the split happened my health started to take a turn for the worse again.  I am still happily cancer free, but I was diagnosed with Arthritis in my neck, May 2013, and that was just the beginning.  I have since been diagnosed with Microcytotic  Anemia (small red blood cells), so I am on Iron pills for that, as well as Fibromyalgia (which I am on Cymbalta for) and possibly have other areas were Arthritis is creeping up into like my hands and arms and fingers and toes.  I have seen a Hematologist (blood specialist), a Rheumatologist, been to the ER numerous times, & found out that I had a dermoid on my ovary that I had surgery on to remove in February! That in itself was an experience, which I discussed in a previous post. Yeah, good times right!  Then more recently the Allergist and Dermatologist for the rash and inflammation I have been experiencing for what is close to a month now.  That is just on top of what I already have, and has added to the pharmacy of medicines I was already on.  Its my reality for now, and I am okay with it, but my hope is that one day I can go off of some of the medicines.  

All of that has been a distraction for what else has gone on, albeit a crappy distraction, but one none the less.  Because of all my medical issues, and work crap (its been a roller-coaster ride there as well), I have not really fully processed my situation.  I am not over it by any means, and I am learning that, that is okay because it has ONLY been a year.  I am still very much hurt and saddened by it.  My heart still aches, and he crosses my mind all the time.  It has lessened over-time, and it has gotten a little bit easier, but not by much. 

 The worst of it all is that I was left.  I was left betrayed and it made my already trust issues grow even bigger.  Not to mention my self-esteem is in the toilet, and at an all time low.  My thoughts roam around in my head, and all I keep thinking is how I am ever going to trust a Man with my heart again, and do I even really want to.  How can I love someone again, even think about marrying someone, saying vows, giving someone my heart, my body, my mind, my soul, my everything.  HE broke me, and I am still picking up the pieces and band-aiding them back together again.  

Like I have stated in the past and previously in this post, my support system has been the number one reason why I am where I am today.  I may still be kind of a mess, but I am doing far better than I was in the beginning and I would be doing far worse had I not had the best Family & Friends & Co-workers in the world.  I have said it before, but My Mom has been my number one.  My source of strength.  I wouldn't have gotten through this year without her! I love you so much Mom! XOXO  And the support and understanding from everyone has been amazing.  Whether it has been a shoulder to literally cry on, or even a telephone call in the middle of the night where I am balling my eyes out, or venting, and giving me time off at work.  Everyone just being there for me for whatever I have needed has been the best thing for me.  It really has been brought me closer to the ones I truly care about and those that truly care about me.  I am forever grateful and thankful for each and every one of you!  You all are what really has made the difference.   

I really cannot believe it has been a year since it happened.  And I have only been Divorced since March too.  So this is very fresh for me.  Still feels like an open wound, but with stitches that are slowly healing.  I am taking things day by day and really trying to stay as positive as possible.  Today marks one year though.  So any healing that has happened and any moving on that has happened is temporary abandoned.  Not on purpose, but I cannot help how I feel.  It is hard knowing where I was a year ago, and where I am now.  I never saw the divorce as being an endgame for our relationship, and all the feelings and emotions of that night and our whole relationship just keep surfacing as memories in my brain.  Not just the crappy times, and what led to our eventual end, but the good times, the fun times, the laughs and smiles.  I do not know which memories hurt worse.  I worked all day today, and it was a distraction, but I still thought about it being this day all day.  I have shed some tears on and off, but I have done my best to keep it together as best as I could.  



If you have ever gone through a similar situation you know that you do not just wake up and magically feel better.  Like I said though, I am taking it day by day.  I have a routine for work and being at home with family.  I am trying to become myself again.  I am trying to make friends and be social.  Be my own person.  I had spent those few years thinking for US both, and almost dimming myself for him.  Now I can be me.  Now I can figure out who that person is, who I am.  

 I cannot wait for the years to pass and for this day to hurt less and less.  Maybe one day get to a place where I do not even remember this day, even if I do, I just see it as as a stepping stone to the amazing things that I have because of what happened.  

Thank you for allowing me to be raw & open with you guys.  It took a lot to write this.  I wanted it to be just right; to get the right words out.  It has been such an emotional day, and I am still very emotional right now as I write this.  Getting all these feelings and emotions out there about my journey through these past 365 days.  

So here is to feeling even better the next 365 days!  I will move on.  I WILL be happy!!

Im gonna get my happy back! Just watch me!! & support me when I need it, that's all I ask! 

Peace & Love

Molly

I'm A Free Bird. Yay??

First things first.  Sorry for being so absent on the blog as of late.  Lemme explain.. Last week I was rushed by ambulance from work because I had a severe panic attack brought on by a ruptured ear drum that sparked up out of nowhere.  You see I have had a cold for about a week but my ear wasn't hurting, then within two hours of it starting to hurt I was in an extreme amount of pain and I couldn't take it and I got overheated and hyperventilated because of the effects that the ear pain was causing.  I am still dealing with the ruptured ear drum and from what I have read it could take awhile for it to heal.. which realyl sucks if you ask me. Everything else gets filed under things that can be cured by a Xanax.. #seriouslythough

Now onto what this post is really about.  For those of you who do not know I was married.  I say WAS because as of March 18th, 2014 I am a Divorcee.  People are like yay congrats! People are happy for me.  But that isn't really how I feel.  I mean obviously they are not happy about the situation, and I get that, they are happy that it is over and think that I can move on now.

Lemme start from the beginning.  I was married in June of 2010 and in the beginning we were happy, but like all marriages we had problems. I honestly did not think it was anything that could not be fixed or talked through and worked out in time.. That is until my ex did the unthinkable and went out of his marriage and basically blew his vows to hell.  Now I am not perfect, by any means at all, but I was loyal and loving and caring to this man, and what happened to me I did not deserve.

Losing this person has left a really big whole in my heart.  For those of you who have not experienced this, it is basically likened to a death so you grieve.  I have never grieved a death well and I am doing everything in my power to break that cycle, but this one is really hard, given the circumstances.  No one in my world has ever been through something like this before so as much as they are there for me for support and to let me vent, they truly do not 100% understand and do not know what I am going through nor what this has been doing to me.

I was going through the grieving process pretty okay in my opinion, and trying to move on with my life when the divorce process finally got started and it brought all these emotions back to the surface.  I am basically starting from scratch.  Instead of bringing me closure it has basically put me back at square one emotionally speaking.

Its so hard to explain. But emotionally speaking I am at this place where I said these vows to one man, a man I thought I was going to be with forever. Vows that I meant with every fiber of my being.  I would have never gotten married if I did not believe he was not my soul mate or one true love.  And to think that one day I could be saying vows to someone else.  It just takes away what they symbolically mean.  I truly cannot imagine actually saying them to someone else because when I said them it was forever.  I feel like it takes away from what they actually mean.  Like I said, its hard to explain.  Do I make sense at all, because I feel like I am talking in circles?? I just honestly do not feel like ever I could ever stand up in front of my friends and family and repeat vows to someone else ever again.  because of what happened they honestly mean nothing to me now and saying them twice almost voids what they actually mean.  Breaks my heart.

For me to truly move on like I want to I have to just get all these feelings and emotions and thoughts out regardless of if they makes sense to anyone or not because in my head they make sense to me.  So if it means talking in circle until I get it then that is what it takes I guess.

Gosh you readers must think I am a total wreck and basket case huh?  Well thank my ex for that lol.. I would not wish the pain I have been going through for the past 10 months on anybody, even my worst enemy.  It has been absolute hell and absolutely anything and everything triggers me and I just get so sad and I just cry and cry and cry and cannot stop.  

I cannot wait to see the light at the end of the tunnel emotionally speaking. I know that one day I will be happy and I will know why this has happened and that something better is in store for me.  I know at this point that I deserve better!

So really I may be divorced now, but I am not yet free.. I wont be free till I have fully let go of all these emotions and am fully healed. One day I will get to that point and I am really forward to that day.  I deserve to have that day.  To be free and be happy and possibly find love again someday.  I want to be able to trust again and love again.  I need to find myself and love myself first again though, then I can truly be free.  

Thank you to all my friends and family for all of your constant support! I don't know what I would do without it all.. it has gotten me through the most darkest of days and hardest of times.  It means the world to me! 

How funny is that e-card though! #truestory #taylorswift #girlknowshowtowriteabreakupsong

Peace & Love

Molly