I'm A Free Bird. Yay??

First things first.  Sorry for being so absent on the blog as of late.  Lemme explain.. Last week I was rushed by ambulance from work because I had a severe panic attack brought on by a ruptured ear drum that sparked up out of nowhere.  You see I have had a cold for about a week but my ear wasn't hurting, then within two hours of it starting to hurt I was in an extreme amount of pain and I couldn't take it and I got overheated and hyperventilated because of the effects that the ear pain was causing.  I am still dealing with the ruptured ear drum and from what I have read it could take awhile for it to heal.. which realyl sucks if you ask me. Everything else gets filed under things that can be cured by a Xanax.. #seriouslythough

Now onto what this post is really about.  For those of you who do not know I was married.  I say WAS because as of March 18th, 2014 I am a Divorcee.  People are like yay congrats! People are happy for me.  But that isn't really how I feel.  I mean obviously they are not happy about the situation, and I get that, they are happy that it is over and think that I can move on now.

Lemme start from the beginning.  I was married in June of 2010 and in the beginning we were happy, but like all marriages we had problems. I honestly did not think it was anything that could not be fixed or talked through and worked out in time.. That is until my ex did the unthinkable and went out of his marriage and basically blew his vows to hell.  Now I am not perfect, by any means at all, but I was loyal and loving and caring to this man, and what happened to me I did not deserve.

Losing this person has left a really big whole in my heart.  For those of you who have not experienced this, it is basically likened to a death so you grieve.  I have never grieved a death well and I am doing everything in my power to break that cycle, but this one is really hard, given the circumstances.  No one in my world has ever been through something like this before so as much as they are there for me for support and to let me vent, they truly do not 100% understand and do not know what I am going through nor what this has been doing to me.

I was going through the grieving process pretty okay in my opinion, and trying to move on with my life when the divorce process finally got started and it brought all these emotions back to the surface.  I am basically starting from scratch.  Instead of bringing me closure it has basically put me back at square one emotionally speaking.

Its so hard to explain. But emotionally speaking I am at this place where I said these vows to one man, a man I thought I was going to be with forever. Vows that I meant with every fiber of my being.  I would have never gotten married if I did not believe he was not my soul mate or one true love.  And to think that one day I could be saying vows to someone else.  It just takes away what they symbolically mean.  I truly cannot imagine actually saying them to someone else because when I said them it was forever.  I feel like it takes away from what they actually mean.  Like I said, its hard to explain.  Do I make sense at all, because I feel like I am talking in circles?? I just honestly do not feel like ever I could ever stand up in front of my friends and family and repeat vows to someone else ever again.  because of what happened they honestly mean nothing to me now and saying them twice almost voids what they actually mean.  Breaks my heart.

For me to truly move on like I want to I have to just get all these feelings and emotions and thoughts out regardless of if they makes sense to anyone or not because in my head they make sense to me.  So if it means talking in circle until I get it then that is what it takes I guess.

Gosh you readers must think I am a total wreck and basket case huh?  Well thank my ex for that lol.. I would not wish the pain I have been going through for the past 10 months on anybody, even my worst enemy.  It has been absolute hell and absolutely anything and everything triggers me and I just get so sad and I just cry and cry and cry and cannot stop.  

I cannot wait to see the light at the end of the tunnel emotionally speaking. I know that one day I will be happy and I will know why this has happened and that something better is in store for me.  I know at this point that I deserve better!

So really I may be divorced now, but I am not yet free.. I wont be free till I have fully let go of all these emotions and am fully healed. One day I will get to that point and I am really forward to that day.  I deserve to have that day.  To be free and be happy and possibly find love again someday.  I want to be able to trust again and love again.  I need to find myself and love myself first again though, then I can truly be free.  

Thank you to all my friends and family for all of your constant support! I don't know what I would do without it all.. it has gotten me through the most darkest of days and hardest of times.  It means the world to me! 

How funny is that e-card though! #truestory #taylorswift #girlknowshowtowriteabreakupsong

Peace & Love

Molly

We officially have a diagnosis!!!

As some of you may know I had to have an MRI on Friday. It was an awful experience because it took wayyy longer than it was suppose to (2 in a half hrs), they couldnt poke me because my veins were not cooroperating.. it took 6 tries to put the contrast in, and it cost me 1200 bucks because I had not met my deductible.. sure did now though. So basically they own me for 6 months lol..

I called my doctor on monday and my MRI results had come in so I went and saw my Doctor this afternoon. After 3 ultrasounds and an Mri we finally know that it is 100% a dermoid on my left ovary. They are going to call me to schedule me for surgery probably in the next few days and obviously I am gonna wanna do surgery asap!!

I feel a sigh of relief knowing its not worse. And just knowing what it is. The unknown is so scary and the waiting and the worrying was not helping at all. Unfortunately I am still scared, and my anxiety is getting the best of me.  I mean its not like having a tumor and having surgery is fun times!

If you know me well, you know all that I gone through in the past and everything that I am currently going through.. so my feelings should be nothing new. I am trying with all my might to stay positive but Im tired. Emotionally and physically exhausted. Between the medical and non medical problems I sometimes wonder how I get out of bed.

I am hopeful that one day I can put all of this behind me and move on with my life. Not just move on, but really enjoy life and the good things that it has to offer me, not just the bad that I have been dealt thus far.

I want to say thank you for everyones continued thoughts and prayers for me. It is so appreciated and I am so thankful to have the support system that I do.  It truly means the world to me. Xoxo

I know this post was kind of heavy so here are a few funnies to make you laugh. They sure made me crack up!!

Peace & Love
Molly