Post Surgery Emotions

So obviously you guys have not seen me post a full blog update about my surgery from surgery day through recovery and back to work. And that is because it has taken me longer to recover. And it definitely has been a harder process than I had initially anticipated.  Like I dont know why I thought it wouldnt be but it has been very taxing on me in every way possible...

Although I have had sooo much support from well, practically everyone and I am soo thankful and grateful for all of it.. it has been tough anyways..

I have been not only been in the obvious physical pain since my surgery, but my emotions have just been ridiculous and out of whack!  Like this whole thing has been equal parts tough mentally.  =( This entire time I have been struggling to just relax and take it easy and focus on recovering.. where my mind should be.  Instead I feel guilt. I feel like I am putting everyone else out.. its so wrong though.  I am the one who had surgery. I shouldn't be stressing myself out..  I know it doesnt help.  I feel guilty because no matter what I am always thinking about how this is effecting my work and my family. But I needed this for myself, and somehow I am sorry for that. Im feeling pressure and emotional and guilty and I cannot for the life of me get out of my own head.

For any and all reasons I am just crying and cant stop. I am an emotional wreck.. and I cant help but feel that I am sooo emotional because of the surgery. That it messed with my hormones. Something I am definitely going to ask my Dr on Tuesday about at my 2nd follow up.. yes 2nd follow up because I have another infection.. ick good times.. not

I guess I really didnt realize how hard this was going to be from surgery and recovery. I am just a mess.  I feel like I just need to put that out there because I know people know that I had surgery and are understanding, but the guilt and the pressure makes it even more hard for me. Even knowing its not on purpose.  I know I am needed in all aspects of my life. Being kinda helpless makes the guilt I feel even worse.. It is a vicious cycle, I swear. Its awful!!!

And Im stuggling with having these feelings because I feel so unsure if they are justified or normal. Im kinda a mess I guess right now.. I mean is it normal? Am am overreacting? I just dont know. =(

On top of everything surgery related. My estranged husband has finally pulled the trigger and started the process for us to get divorced. He actually contacted my parents the day I had surgery about it & then and I found out a week later.. thankful my parents hid that from me because since I found out and even spoke to him on the phone (for the first time in like 8 months) I have had very bittersweet thoughts and emotions about it as well.  I mean it is over and done with relationship wise but my heart had not healed and it kind of reopened the wound. I didnt realize how hard even talking to him and hearing his voice would be and how much it would still effect me.  So with everything in mind these last few weeks have been so tough. 

Im just emotionally exhausted, wondering when I can actually catch a break because if it cant happen when I am suppose to be relaxing and recovering then I dont feel like it will ever happen. But thats a whole nother issue.. for another day.

Despite my mindset.. I am still sooo incredibly grateful for all the support. It really has meant alot to me!!

And for those wondering.. there is actually good news in all of this.. I got my pathology report back when I was at the doctor and the tumor was mature.. which means ITS NOT CANCER!!! Biggest sigh of relief.. I am at least glad for that..  the report also described the dermoid but its pretty gross, like I have talked about in a previous blog post. Refer to it if you need a refresher lol.. or just take my word on it.. pretty gross.

I dont know if this was really a blog post that needed to really be posted or not but I needed to just put these feelings out there because I felt like I was gonna kind of explode.

Peace & Love
Molly